American writer Richard Paul Evans tells how a simple phrase helped to save his marriage. Be sure to read.
My eldest daughter Jenna recently told me: “When I was little, I was most afraid that you and my mother would divorce. But when I was 12, I decided that maybe it was for the better – you constantly cursed!”Smiling, she added:” I am glad that you guys still got along “.
For many years, wife Keri and I fought fierce battles. Looking back, I don’t really understand how we managed to get married at all – our characters did not fit each other. And the longer we lived in marriage, the stronger the contradictions were manifested. Wealth and glory did not make our life easier. On the contrary, the problems only intensified. The tension between us reached such an intensity that the upcoming tour in support of my new book was seen by the deliverance, albeit temporary.
We quarreled so often that it was already difficult to imagine a peaceful life together. We now and then snapped at each other and both carefully hid the pain behind the stone fortresses that erected around us. We were on the verge of a divorce and discussed it more than once.
I was on a tour when the dam broke through. We have just once again desperately had a fight on the phone, and Keri hung up. I felt rage, powerlessness and deep loneliness. I realized that I had reached the limit – I can’t stand it anymore.
Then I turned to God. Or fell upon God. I don’t know if it is possible to call a prayer that I was furious in those minutes, but they were printed in my memory forever. I stood under the shower at the hotel of the city of Atlanta and shouted to God that this marriage was a mistake, and I could not live like that.
Yes, the idea of a divorce is hated to me, but the pain from life together exhausted me. In addition to rage, I was confused. I could not understand why Kerie and I are so difficult together. At heart I knew that my wife is a good person. And I’m a good person. So why can’t we establish a relationship? Why did I marry a woman whose character does not fit my? Why doesn’t she want to change?
In the end, hoarse and broken, I sat on the floor right in my shower and burst into tears. From the darkness of despair came an insight. You cannot change her, Rick. You can only change yourself. And I began to pray. If I can’t change her, Lord, then change me.
I prayed deep after midnight. I prayed the next day during the flight home. I prayed on the threshold of the house, where a cold wife was waiting for me, who, most likely, would not be honored and a look at the meeting. On the night when we lay in our bed so close to each other and at the same time so far, I realized that I need to do.
The next morning, still in bed, I turned to Keri and asked: “How should I do your day better?”
Keri looked at me angrily: “What?”
“How can I do your day better”?
“No way,” she snapped. – Why do you ask?”
“Because I’m serious,” I said. – I just want to know how to make your day better. “.
She looked at me cynical. “You want to do something? Excellent, then washing the kitchen “.
It seems that my wife thought I would explode with anger. I nodded: “Good”.
I got up and washed the kitchen.
The next day I asked the same thing: “How can I make your day better”?
“Rush in the garage”.
I took a deep breath. I had a throat that day, and I understood that my wife said it on purpose to annoy me. So it was tempted to flare up in response.
Instead, I said: “Good”. I got up and cleaned the next two hours and tidied up the garage. Keri did not know what to think. The next morning came.
“How can I do your day better?”
“Nothing! – she said. – You can’t do anything. Please stop it “. I replied that I could not, because I gave myself a word. “How can I do your day better?” – “Why are you doing it?” -” Because you are dear to me. And our marriage is also dear to me “.
The next morning I asked again. And the following. And the following. Then, in the middle of the second week, a miracle happened. On my question, Keri’s eyes filled with tears and she began to cry. Having calmed down, the wife said: “Please stop asking me this question. The problem is not in you, but in me. I know it’s hard with me. I don’t understand why you still stay with me “.
I gently took her by the chin to look directly in the eye. “Because I love you,” I said. – How can I make your day better?”” I have to ask you “. “It should, but not now. Now I want to change. You should know how much you mean for me “. My wife put her head on my chest.
“I’m sorry I behaved so terrible”. “I love you,” I said. “And I love you,” she answered. – How can I make your day better?”Keri looked at me affectionately:” Maybe we will stay together for some time? Just you and me”. I smiled: “I would really like that!»I continued to ask for more than a month. And the relationship has changed. The quarrels stopped. Then the wife began to ask: “What would you like me to do? How can I become the best wife for you?”
The wall between us collapsed. We started talking – openly, thoughtfully – about what we want from life and how to make each other happier. No, we did not solve all our problems at once. I can’t even say that we have never quarreled again. But the nature of our quarrels has changed. They began to happen less and less, as if they were not enough evil energy that was before. We deprived them of oxygen.
None of us wanted to injure the other anymore.
For thirty years since Kerie and I have been married. I not only love my wife, I like her. I like to be with her. I need her, I want her. Many differences became our common strengths, and the remaining, as time showed, did not cost our nerves. We have learned to take care of each other better, and, more importantly, we have a need for this.
Marriage requires effort. But also requires effort the role of the parent, writing, work on their body in order to maintain good physical shape, and everything else that is important and valuable for me in life.
Walking through life with a loved one is a wonderful gift. I also realized that the family helps to recover from wounds that cause the most unattractive aspects of our personality. Everyone has such unpleasant aspects that we ourselves do not love.
Over time, I realized that our story was an illustration of a much more important marriage lesson. This question should be asked to everyone who is in a relationship. This is true love. Love novels (and I myself wrote somewhat) usually come down to loving languor and “they lived happily ever after”, but for a long time it is not born from thirst and belong to a loved one.
In real life, love is not to feel a desire for someone, but sincerely and deeply wish him happiness-sometimes even to the detriment of our own. True love is not to make another person with his copy. She is to expand her own capabilities – to show patience and care for the well -being of a loved one. Everything else is just a stupid performance of selfishness.
I do not want to say that our experience with Kerie will work for every pair. I’m not even sure that all couples on the verge of divorce are certainly worth saving your marriage. But I am infinitely grateful for the inspiration that came to me that day in the form of a simple question. I am grateful that I still have a family and wife (my best friend) wakes up next to me in bed every morning.
And I am happy that even now, decades later, from time to time one of us turns to another and asks: “How can I make your day better?»For the sake of this it is worth waking up in the morning.